Time flies when the corporate whip cracks. Indeed both sides of H&G have been forced (often by candlelight) to work long hours for our current masters, which has stilted our usual output.

So as a tour de force and a healthy return to one of our favourite subjects we bring you the.....bacon cooking alarm clock.

Constructed from a gutted Wal-Mart alarm clock, 2 rather spunky 100-watt halogen lamps and a healthy love of one of gods greatest foods we can only imagine the wonderful rousing that takes place each morning.

Our only minor concern is the obvious and clear design flaw - there's nowhere to add the cheese. WP

We have sent a man to the moon, taught monkeys how to use typewriters and even found a way to put cheese in the crust of pizzas (go Pizza Hut...) but when it comes to voice recognition software truly we live in the dark ages. Which is why it puzzles H&G that Odeon cinemas, who rely on ticket sales by phone for 50% of their revenue , have such a desperate system.

If you've even been subjected to the charmless computer voice who interprets the world 'Guildford' with the reply 'I think you are looking for the Odeon Leamington Spa...is that correct?' then you'll know what we mean.

Even more surprising is that the company that makes the software is proud to be named. Voice recognition software by Telephonetics. A company whose name is cleverer than its service.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Take charity collections for hospitals.
Once Londoners would smile and genuflect money into bright yellow buckets during Rag Week - that time when gurning cross dressing male nurses would sell 'hilarious' joke magazines to unsuspecting commuters.
For once however Great Ormond Street has proved the future can be better than the past.
Gone are the men in drag and instead a giant burlesque swing has been erected at Liverpool Street, where a blonde corseted lady in fishnets sits on a velvet cushion. Money is raised by the donation of a shiny gold pound whereupon said chap may push the lady for a moment or two.
Not quite the Foppatorium, but certainly a good stride towards chappist Utopia.

In todays hectic and stressful world it's hard for modern man to know what to do. Should he be the caring family man or the cut-throat careerist ? At times such as these it's difficult to know how to behave so H&G are considering opening a place of repose and tranquility where a chap can be truly himself.

You will be greeted at the door with a soft velvet smoking jacket and ushered inside to recline on one of several chaises longue. Pipes of opium can be smoked while members recline with a slim book of verse. Called 'The Foppatorium' we think it would be a great success. Comments or a suggested locale welcome. WP

H&G enjoyed great success at the recent M&M Awards which doffed a hat to the best of international media planning. We scooped two first prize awards for recent work on Aviva and made it to the shortlist for campaign of the year. Pipes of the finest shag were packed brim full and silver topped canes twirled with even more vim and vigour than usual. Well done us. WP

One day, H&G will work out how to index our items into proper subject categories, and one of those will be 'food'. But that day is not today. Or tomorrow. Probably.
Anyway, the latest installment in our food series not only obeys the Three Rules Of Cookery (see below) but also proposes that there may be a Fourth Rule. That Rule would be "Could it have a doughnut around it?". Yes, faithful readers, H&G bring you the "Donut Bacon Cheeseburger"...

As regular readers will know, H&G constantly creates new things; last Friday was no exception. An evening's drinking was enlivened by the creation of brand new cocktail: The Yorkshire Pudding. This sweet libation is intended to mimic the appearance of the classic foodstuff: gravy, roasted batter and a just a tinge of red for its rare roast beef sine qua non accompaniment.
To make your own: get a shot glass, nearly fill with Kahlua, top with Bailey's and add a tiny dash of cherry brandy.
H&G are VERY keen for this to catch on: try one today, order loudly, tell your friends!

Teeth have been grinding at the H&G offices for some time about faux Wildean 'celebrity' Russell Brand. To have his shallow observations and cheap, empty Sixth Form philosophising broadcast to the nation under the guise of 'wit' has long been a source of mild depression. And his endless, self-fascinated confessions to his "Drugs Hell" have bored at least one of H&G into a snarling, cackling homicidal reverie.

It's therefore with joy that we hear tales of last nights G.Q. Awards where he was firmly put in his place, publically, by Rod Stewart. Brand claimed earlier in the evening that he'd slept with Rods daughter. Later in front of the whole audience he was forced to admit that he'd lied. Seems that a public school education and daddies trust fund doesn't buy you real class.

Rod - rock on. WP

It's with great pride that H&G formally recognise the Clandon PGA and its elite group of 3 members.

Although less known than other more recognised PGAs, those in the know talk in hushed tones about its influence which spreads far beyond the dusty corridors of other more recognised establishments.

Resplendent with pipe and attractive Latin motto, dear reader, remember when you first saw this crest.

"The way I know Ashley Cole, he is a very honest, genuine guy." So said Thierry Henry in today's Guardian. Now, first, it must be said that H&G approve of Thierry Henry; so much so in fact, that H&G consider him a close personal friend. Even though we've never met. And so we are overjoyed at this ringing endorsement of our principles and teachings; indeed, readers, H&G would be most grateful if you felt amenable to spreading the Honest and Genuine word wherever ye may be.

Viral meme propanda over with, we move to our second, more unsavoury, point. And it is this: Ashley Cole is patently not an Honest and Genuine guy. We are, of course, far beyond muckraking over that incident. So much so that there is no link here (also, Mr Cole is historically litigious); however, we feel that perhaps a correct usage of the terms ought to be strictly enforced by ourselves and by you, our army of loyal readers. Let the campaign begin here and now.

Our ongoing delight with the 'winner/sinner' man (recently moved from Oxford Circus to Piccadilly due to the ASBO taken out on him for his daily evangelical missives) was replaced recently by something far funnier...and frankly...even more disturbing.

I present for your delectation.....'Budgieman'

H&G are looking for a ringtone partner to make him the next Crazy Frog....any takers ? WP

H&G have a thing for amusing, unexpected cover versions of songs: Gary Numan's "On Broadway" being a particular favourite. We're currently loving the Paris Derniere series especially. Also we like strange and wonderful CDs like those at Discovery Records.

The world became a brighter place this Saturday night when we came across the South Devon Chilli Farm. Not only are they dedicated to the most important food group (after bacon and cheese), they've managed to craft the purest of fruit into all manner of oral vivification. Having just wiped a large smear of their Chilli Jam from our lips, H&G urge you to fill your virtual basket to the brim with the food from the gods. WP

The 3 rules of cookery
For those of you who have been on tenterhooks anticipating the H&G demystification of the gastronomic arts - that is, absolutely nobody - then you may wonder no more. For almost 33 years, H&G have been honing the art of drunken cookery: the art of conjuring magic from the most empty of cupboards, the most bereft of fridges...should you be able to answer in the affirmative to question 1 of the three rules, H&G guarantee a satisfied guest; should you be able to answer "yes" to question 2, you are referred back to question 1. In the rich and varied field of human history, there has never been an acceptable answer to question 3.

The rules are:

1. Does it have cheese and bacon on it?

2. Could it have cheese and bacon on it?

3. Why can't it have cheese and bacon on it?

If you are pondering an attempt to answer question 3, remember: such monumental thinkers as Confucious, Socrates, Einstein and Bergkamp have tried and failed.

There are many things that amuse us, not least the more inscrutable nations and their highly original past-times. We love this - from the land that created videogames how about this for true retro funWP

H&G generally approve of cats. Their haughty demeanor allows a mutually beneficial, ribald dialogue whereby we, as humans, can wind them up without their knowing and they can bad-mouth us behind our backs. And you know they do. Two of our favourite premptive actions live here: http://www.stuffonmycat.com and here: http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

Seen Love Island on ITV1? These nonentities haven't seen the show before, haven't a clue how the format works and if you've paid attention to the broadcasts and/or read about it in the papers, you'll notice that they all know each other, that they're part of a certain London set. It's like the producers strolled into Boujis and threw a net over the first 8 idiots they could find.

The Guardian is the best newspaper in the world, Part 1: nothing to do with its politics you understand - H&G try not to discuss politics - no, it's the writing. Our favourite film review so far, from The Guide's review of Ripley's Game starring John Malkovitch:
"Malkovitch delivers what can only be described as 'plenty of acting'". Genius. JR

('Superhuman' Ashley and Cheryl as they 'charm and inspire')
A question....has society now finally given up on any pretence of intelligence ? If the news that the London Planetarium has been rebranded as 'The Stardome' is anything to go by, then we might as well give up now.

Instead of the wonders of the firmament, visitors to this new monstrosity are taught how to walk and talk like celebrities - according to cartoon alien Dr Humbert Trellis, this is the most important thing we can be. 'A Celebrity is someone superhuman who inspires and charms us all' intones the
narrator. Life Jim is most certainly not as we would have it known. WP

An honest and genuine evening was held last Thursday in Bedford Square gardens for the Hendricks Chap Olympics. H&G are readers and contributors to The Chap Magazine it was only right that we took part in an array of events including the 'Cucumber Sandwich Discus, 'Vulgarity Hurdles' and of course 'Shouting At Foreigners'.

Caswell Cornford, most notorious rake of late-Victorian England and Enoch 'Soames' Soames, duellist and gentleman adventurer both made gin fuelled entrances. Recognising an event of this magnitude, Auntie also popped by - BBC link

Onwards with the tweed revolution....you have nothing to lose but your cufflinks. WP

So, the other day, I discovered Turducken. It's not a patch on Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's ten bird roast, but I think it sounds rather fabulous. Especially covered in bacon; which reminds me of the three rules of cookery...