The 3 rules of cookery
For those of you who have been on tenterhooks anticipating the H&G demystification of the gastronomic arts - that is, absolutely nobody - then you may wonder no more. For almost 33 years, H&G have been honing the art of drunken cookery: the art of conjuring magic from the most empty of cupboards, the most bereft of fridges...should you be able to answer in the affirmative to question 1 of the three rules, H&G guarantee a satisfied guest; should you be able to answer "yes" to question 2, you are referred back to question 1. In the rich and varied field of human history, there has never been an acceptable answer to question 3.

The rules are:

1. Does it have cheese and bacon on it?

2. Could it have cheese and bacon on it?

3. Why can't it have cheese and bacon on it?

If you are pondering an attempt to answer question 3, remember: such monumental thinkers as Confucious, Socrates, Einstein and Bergkamp have tried and failed.