Today is a celebration day for after several long hard weeks in boot camp, the 2nd memeber of H&G, has passed through and is now a fully paid up member of Black Squadron.

Prepare for hiding, putting eggs in ones mouth and placing bread in ones pocket.

Adam & Joe we salute you.

It's not often that we at H&G reprint old material. But sometimes it's worth an exception when reading a hidden gem. Remember GIGLI, the ill fated conjunction of Lopez and Affleck?

Then read with enjoyment this classic review by Empire magazine.

Gigli : Plot

Two low-level mob ops kidnap a mentally challenged youth who has something to do with a court case. One of them is a New Age lesbian; the other a young buck who thinks he can 'cure' her of that.

Review

When faced with a movie that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, certain questions are bound to arise. The most pertinent among them is not 'why?', but 'how?' The reason why this film got made is because, on paper at least, casting two hot Hollywood stars in a romantic comedy makes sound commercial sense. 'How' is a little more tricky.How, for instance, throughout what was presumably a fairly standard production schedule - the impression that it was conceived, written, produced, shot, edited and marketed over a weekend is, perhaps, deceptive - did no-one notice that not a single element of it achieved a basic professional standard?How, given the practice of screening dailies, was it not immediately apparent that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have such a catastrophic lack of screen chemistry that they appear to be from entirely different species?How, in the long months from pitch meeting to premiere, did it escape detection that the script, if such a thing ever existed, was written by a gibbon? That Stevie Wonder was doing the lighting? That the camera was threaded with scrunched-up Izal toilet paper? That the editor had recently lost both hands in an industrial accident? That the director was absent from the set during the entire shoot? That the soundtrack had seeped in from a Saga-produced documentary on cruising the Norfolk Broads? That the best way to capitalize on Lopez's Latino bombshell image was probably not by casting her as a nouveau hippy lesbian? That even one shot of Ben Affleck's hairy, sweaty armpit is grounds for pulling the plug on anything? That deploying a mentally-challenged character for comic effect is unspeakably offensive?How, basically, did this film ever get a release? Which is not to say how did it get a nationwide US release in over 3,000 theatres? But how did it get a release in any media format whatsoever? Beyond what we know of rampant narcissism and naked opportunism, it will remain a mystery.

Verdict

Torture. Impossible to imagine how it could've been worse. Lopez's monologue on why the vagina is more sexually alluring than the penis is the most excruciating moment in the history of motion pictures.Reviewer: Simon Braund

Excerpt number 53 from H&G's file marked: "Misplaced Outrage".



ITV have been fined 5 million quid. Apparently Robbie Williams would only present the "People's Choice award" at the 2005 British Comedy Awards if Antandec won, so producers announced them as winners even though Catherine Tate garnered the most votes.



The outrage is that the Great British Public ran up a £7.8 million phone bill voting on this, clearly with the highest percentage of these freespending culture-vultures believing that Catherine Tate is the funniest person in Britain.



What?



In these negative equity, 30,000 die-in-Burma, $122-a-barrel-oil-price times, people are spending that kind of money on some arbitrary, empty and meaningless phone poll?



That, my friends, is an outrage.



And check out the sentences highlighted in bold above.



And they did it to vote for Catherine Tate.

Sometimes it's important to raise the key things in the industry.

Sometimes it's more important to smile.

Thankyou Chuck Norris fans for this all time great one.

Our favourite 'Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you'.

Genius

"You can't trust anyone these days" is the kind of ill-informed blanket value-judgement H&G was born to dispel. The fact is, you can trust some people these days, but mostly you can't. here's a handy guide to people you should be very wary of:

1. Male vegetarians
2. Men who don't like James Bond films.
3. Men with little change purses.
4. Men who wear their sunglasses on the top of their heads.
5. Anyone who lets their dog lick their face / kiss them etc.

More handy People Not To Trust soon...

Rather than churn out observations about minor physical injuries, the food we've eaten or Big Brother here at H&G towers we prefer to wait for the magical before we write. Today readers I bring you a priceless gift.

On the 10th anniversary of her untimely death, it rather fittingly concerns the Peoples Princess. Or more precisely the theatrical masterpiece that has been created about her.

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you 'Charles and Diana ; The Musical'.

I'm not kidding - it exists and is currently touring Germany.

The blurb reads as follows ''Princess Diana, the musical' culminates at the time of her divorce, but ends at the time of her funeral. As the musical progresses it portrays the evolution of the young Diana into the intelligent, mature woman who, becomes arguably the most famous, (certainly one of the most famous), women in the world. Respectful of the Royal Family and genuinely sympathetic to all concerned it bubbles over with emotion and vitality.'

I urge you to click through immediately, scroll down and have a listen. Track 5 is our favourite. The Queen has a lovely duet with Charles.

Having accidentally caught the end of Dr Who last Saturday which told the tale of a Dalek experiment to create a new human hybrid, H&G were rather surprised to see that when the body casing opened and the new limbed creature emerged it was dressed in spats and a full 3 piece chalk stripe suit.

Setting to one side the issue of whether their tailor had correctly recommended the right cloth (understated of course in order to not compete with the tentacles) we were more intrigued to ask how the tailor had managed a second fitting in the first place. Or even a first for that matter.

It then poses other questions.

Do all Daleks possess a pair of shoes and a pile of prechosen fabric inside their armoured casing(neatly tucked one presumes underneath the exterminator ray gun) ?

Did they have a range of fabrics to choose from and a good selection of swatches (one hopes that tweed was represented) ?

What happens if the weather proves inclement and they need a double worsted fabric instead of the gay and colourful linen that first caught their eye ?

Better still, as the hybrid Daleks emerge to the brighter new world, each stepping out for the first time in their new suits, each majestic and terrifying, which poor miscreant ruined it all by picking the 'Ben Elton' silver 80s fabric ?

Fashion is mightier than the stair after all.

Work and health pressures have restricted the H&G output of late, however we return with the must play game of 2007. Formerly known as 'Druglord' the glories of the interweb revolution have allowed an update to allow realtime and free gaming. Choose your character, grow your drugs or hoes and then get down to the business of winning. Drugrunners.net is the Friday game of crime where this time it does pay. Currently posing as Timothy Claypole (a corporate businessman) and James Harries (an assassin) H&G have found much pleasure in wiping the floor with the collection of psuedo Pacino wannabees. You'll never forget buying your first gold tooth on the long road to prestige heaven !