Having landed safe and sound from Moscow there are several things that one half of H&G discovered.

Firstly, that the much vaunted Russian economy seemed to have collapsed while I was there.

The other that the other half of H&G has messed around with the 'Profile' section in order to use an amended version of this blog during an interview. For those wondering why Jack suddenly had control fear not.

The monkeys have only briefly been let out of the asylum.

So, a quick thanks to a sibling for this latest piece of breaking news.

We've always been partial to Bacon. Indeed in earlier posts you'll note that there are specific rules about the consumption of Bacon and Cheese in combination. But we hadn't noticed this site before.

H&G wish we had the time to actually write a full time blog on Bacon...but as there are so many things to critique or worship in this life we are greatful that there are others who can.

In 2004 we had Supersize me. But as of tonight we have a new hero. Mr Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall and his campaign to rid the supermarket shelves of £2.50 intensively farmed chickens.

Now H&G doesn't put its shoulder behind any petition but as our profile picture may show we are rather fond of good food, indeed the afore mentioned chef first introduced us to the 12 bird stuff so his words carry good sooth.

The campaign starts tonight on Channel 4 and here is the first of the many facts this rather good programme covered. The average number of birds per metre squared is 17.

We repeat 17.

So if you have but one resolution this year - if you can afford not to don't buy anothe £2.50 chicken. To show how you feel go to his website and sign up. As of 15 minutes into the programme there have been 22,435 signups. We'll update you tomorrow on the latest figures.

Next week, a return to more light hearted matters.

Hmmm. Yes. Well. H&G are still debating the veracity of the bacon martini web site (see comment below). We're extremely pleased with the wordplay of "The Dickens", that much is certain.

In fact, the site raises several deeper philosophical quandaries: can one have too much of a good thing? Could cheese be added to the martini for further enhancement? Do the 3 rules of cookery apply also to beverages?

Dear readers, we are floundering in a soup of pontification; perhaps you can provide some answers?

Time flies when the corporate whip cracks. Indeed both sides of H&G have been forced (often by candlelight) to work long hours for our current masters, which has stilted our usual output.

So as a tour de force and a healthy return to one of our favourite subjects we bring you the.....bacon cooking alarm clock.

Constructed from a gutted Wal-Mart alarm clock, 2 rather spunky 100-watt halogen lamps and a healthy love of one of gods greatest foods we can only imagine the wonderful rousing that takes place each morning.

Our only minor concern is the obvious and clear design flaw - there's nowhere to add the cheese. WP

The 3 rules of cookery
For those of you who have been on tenterhooks anticipating the H&G demystification of the gastronomic arts - that is, absolutely nobody - then you may wonder no more. For almost 33 years, H&G have been honing the art of drunken cookery: the art of conjuring magic from the most empty of cupboards, the most bereft of fridges...should you be able to answer in the affirmative to question 1 of the three rules, H&G guarantee a satisfied guest; should you be able to answer "yes" to question 2, you are referred back to question 1. In the rich and varied field of human history, there has never been an acceptable answer to question 3.

The rules are:

1. Does it have cheese and bacon on it?

2. Could it have cheese and bacon on it?

3. Why can't it have cheese and bacon on it?

If you are pondering an attempt to answer question 3, remember: such monumental thinkers as Confucious, Socrates, Einstein and Bergkamp have tried and failed.