The first ever H&G TV diary begins here:

8.08 Italy v France...loser goes home...hopefully the winner does too.

8.09 Timmy Ribery carried off. I, for one, as a fan of the ugly footballer, am disappointed.

8.11 How many dodgy penalties and decisions do the Italians get in major tournaments? Oh, and here comes Jean-Alain Boumsong, who was such a success at Newcastle.

8.14 Misses his fourth chance of the game...fumbling monkey.

8.15 Five chances in the game.

8.15.1 Severed horses head arrives in Tonis bed.

8: 17 Fellow commentator comments 'Sidney Govou, if he signed for Cardiif City I'd be devasted' and 'I hate the Italians'. The commentary box is awash with optimism and fellow Euro love.

8:18 Mark Lawrenson uses most soulful, disappointed sigh to emphasise the words 'woefull, just unbelievable' as Motson witters on with another pointless '1970's' statistic.

8:23 Free kick. Motson unable to pronounce 'Bouffant' in any other accent than 'Boooooofont'. Lawrenson clicks his teeth unhappily at the dialect difference.

8:25 A slight diversion of conversation has resulted in the most excellent agreement. That we are pleased that we are the very few who believe that cheese is always better than chocolate. Instantly we are setting up the Facebook group 'cheese is way better than chocolate'. The link will follow soon.

8:41 To alleviate the nonsense being talked about by Hanson and that wee little chippy one from Aston Villa the group is created. 'Cheese is way better than chocolate'. Join us now.

8.49 the whole bbc studio is miserable. they've a lovely foreign jolly, spend all day playing golf, and look like they're playing Who-The-Fuck-Just-Farted?

9:01 The football is back. The goal from the Dutch gives the Italians a huge chance but Benzema is flailing around, a small child desperate for his poorly analogised toy.

9:02 Commentary team taking a quick break due to arrival of wet Brie and wild boar slices. There will be no pieces of chocolate cake (for obvious reasons) and cups of tea like the usual Cricket Brian Johnston team in this box.

9:12 We've decided to avoid the Italian goal so we can play poker. And eat more wild boar. Unprofessional but certainly pleasant. And agreeable.

9.12 Will just mentioned Portuguese holding midfielder, Deco. He's my vote for Most-Likely-to-be-a-Waiter-Who-Flirts-with-Your Mum-On-Holiday Award.

9:30 It's official. The Italians have got to the ref. A corner to the French. No. An innocuous challenge by Henry. Yellow card. Shame on them.

9:37 Question. Which Italian player if handed a banjo and asked to hit a cows arse would not be able to hit it ?

9:38 Answer. If you need to read that you haven't read our general thesis on 'Toni, wonderprat'

9:39 Oh god let it stop. The BBC crew have excelled themsleves in dour commentary. OK, we know the British suck. We're disappointed as well. But your sunning yourself in warm temperatures doing nowt but look a bit sad. Stop being Emo. Cheer the f*ck up !