As submitted to the Hard Sell column in the Guide section in the Saturday Guardian newspaper.

SOMERFIELD

There is a grand, venerable literary tradition known as "alternative history". Put simply, these novels are thought experiments defined by a high-concept 'what-if?' premise; what if Britain had beaten America in the War of Independence, what if Geoff Hurst's second goal hadn't crossed the line, and the daddy of them all:what if Hitler had won the War?

While Radio 4 have dabbled with the genre, it has been left to Somerfield to pioneer its use in TV commercials.

It's the year 2003 - as denoted by the slavish rendition of Busted haystack haircuts on the teenagers - and a typical Arian family are trouping around the downmarket suburban hellhole of Somerfield, and yet when the first impish scamp opens his charming stage school gob, a stream of estuary English burbles forth.

As the nightmarish proto-past unfolds, the viewer begins to look for subtle signs in the mise-en-scene, the better with which to clue us in on those little differences which the Reich regime has wrought. But no, there is no bratwurst aisle where the crisps used to be, no lederhosen-ed surly school leaver shop assistants, an certainly no sudden ruthless efficienct to the shopping experience.

It seems as though a benign dictatorship is in progress, where ice cream is half price and bog roll two-for-the-price-of-one. But in a twist worthy of M Night Shymalan, the horrible truth of the Fuhher's victorious legacy is revealed in the appaling non-joke ending: in just 50 years, they have expunged all traces of British humour.