Honest and Genuine

2010-05-16T00:35:00.000+01:00

A modest proposal

The New Philanthropy

Human beings adapt very quickly to increased wealth. Research shows that even after the life-changing windfall of a lottery win, people are no happier one year later than they were before. The fact is that, once you have covered life’s essentials, your well-being remains static. Money really doesn’t buy you happiness.

This is because we instinctively compare ourselves to others, and there’s always someone always wealthier than you: once you’ve caught up with the Joneses, there’s the Smiths, the Changs and the Abramovichs. Someone always has a bigger boat.

In fact, as vast swathes of psychological research show, there is only one proven way to increase your happiness and that is giving. Giving makes you healthier both mentally and physically; givers live longer.

Smart wealthy people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett know this, but they are also looking beyond the here and now. They are ensuring their legacy.

Since the dawn of the industrial revolution, there have always been wealthy philanthropists, but the nature of giving has changed recently. The current generation of givers are ensuring their place in history in very different ways to the likes of Ford, Getty, Rockefeller and Carnegie. We call this the New Philanthropy.

The New Philanthropy is not about ego, monuments or statues; it’s about discreet social welfare initiatives and social change.

It’s not about charity fund-raising gala dinners, it’s not renaming a local university, or a hospital wing, and it’s not because of tax or legal incentives; it’s about grand global life-saving initiatives.

New Philanthropists are just as likely to be born in India, Russia, China or Brazil as they are in the West. They use their innate ingenuity to create new ways of giving like microfinance, they exploit their tech-savvy to capitalise on the internet and their drive and business skills mean they often run their foundations themselves.

New Philanthropists are personally invested, they don’t just donate.

They are modern internationalists from all corners of the globe, they are open-minded entrepreneurs, they are trying to unlock the world’s potential and they’d like our help.

So don't be like the bank that (indirectly) pay one of our wages. Enable these people. Make the world a better place. 16:21:00 by Jack Rosevear and Will Phipps Delete

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2009-05-30T09:48:00.002+01:00

Today is a celebration day for after several long hard weeks in boot camp, the 2nd memeber of H&G, has passed through and is now a fully paid up member of Black Squadron.

Prepare for hiding, putting eggs in ones mouth and placing bread in ones pocket.

Adam & Joe we salute you.

2009-04-03T11:45:00.006+01:00

Horne and Corden.

The Emperor's New Clothes.

Naked Communications.

What do all three have in common I hear you ask?

Well, their day is done. Focusing on the comedy side of this posting we at H&G have long been gnashing our teeth that the pleasing whimsy of Gavin and Stacy has slowly been poisoned by the rise and rise of the two self proclaimed stars of it. And self proclaimed really is the reason why we and slowly the rest of the world has a problem.

You see, doing a robot dance and adding the suffix 'ar' to someones name may be lightly smile inducing once. And ignored thereafter. But it doth not a great comedian make.

Herein lies the problem.

Both of them think they are at the top of their game. A challenge to the greats and even, dare they say it, as good as Morecombe and Wise (they actually inferred this in a recent press article).

But anyone who witnessed the hideous car crash that was their Brits presentation knew at that moment that without Bryn, and Stacy and all the other marvelous cast, they were just one thing.

Tedious.

The Guardian when reviewing their recent live performance commented

'As my will to live fizzled away, I wondered: how has it come to this?'

Quite.

2009-03-20T18:34:00.004Z

It's not often that we at H&G reprint old material. But sometimes it's worth an exception when reading a hidden gem. Remember GIGLI, the ill fated conjunction of Lopez and Affleck?

Then read with enjoyment this classic review by Empire magazine.

Gigli : Plot

Two low-level mob ops kidnap a mentally challenged youth who has something to do with a court case. One of them is a New Age lesbian; the other a young buck who thinks he can 'cure' her of that.

Review

When faced with a movie that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, certain questions are bound to arise. The most pertinent among them is not 'why?', but 'how?' The reason why this film got made is because, on paper at least, casting two hot Hollywood stars in a romantic comedy makes sound commercial sense. 'How' is a little more tricky.How, for instance, throughout what was presumably a fairly standard production schedule - the impression that it was conceived, written, produced, shot, edited and marketed over a weekend is, perhaps, deceptive - did no-one notice that not a single element of it achieved a basic professional standard?How, given the practice of screening dailies, was it not immediately apparent that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have such a catastrophic lack of screen chemistry that they appear to be from entirely different species?How, in the long months from pitch meeting to premiere, did it escape detection that the script, if such a thing ever existed, was written by a gibbon? That Stevie Wonder was doing the lighting? That the camera was threaded with scrunched-up Izal toilet paper? That the editor had recently lost both hands in an industrial accident? That the director was absent from the set during the entire shoot? That the soundtrack had seeped in from a Saga-produced documentary on cruising the Norfolk Broads? That the best way to capitalize on Lopez's Latino bombshell image was probably not by casting her as a nouveau hippy lesbian? That even one shot of Ben Affleck's hairy, sweaty armpit is grounds for pulling the plug on anything? That deploying a mentally-challenged character for comic effect is unspeakably offensive?How, basically, did this film ever get a release? Which is not to say how did it get a nationwide US release in over 3,000 theatres? But how did it get a release in any media format whatsoever? Beyond what we know of rampant narcissism and naked opportunism, it will remain a mystery.

Verdict

Torture. Impossible to imagine how it could've been worse. Lopez's monologue on why the vagina is more sexually alluring than the penis is the most excruciating moment in the history of motion pictures.Reviewer: Simon Braund

2009-02-15T22:42:00.003Z

At what point did they think this would help them sell more food....seriously ?

2009-02-15T22:34:00.007Z

Wow, is he pleased with his new suit

A new section for the blog entitled 'Wrong Mannequins' was prompted by a recent trip to Barcelona. Actually it started back in Peru with this picture. It got me thinking off the very very wrong mannequins one sees out and about, so I thought I'd start documenting them...hope you enjoy

2009-02-11T12:42:00.004Z

Yes man : Part 2

The open letter caused a bit of a storm it seems but the good man was good enough to tell me he thought my criticism a little harsh. It proved to be a rather surreal exchange and my first ever celebrity argument !

2009-02-09T22:05:00.001Z

An open letter to Danny Wallace after the creation of the film 'Yes Man', posted to Dannys site.

Danny, I have only ever walked out of two films....and am afraid that Yes man is one of them. How could you have allowed it to happen ? A terrible awful monstrosity of a film that betrayed every single part of your lovingly created book....I sat there with my mouth open with horror next to my girlfriend..both of us aghast about what had happened.....the old lady and the bl*wjob...dear god !!!!!!

So here's two of your fans letting you know that we felt pretty betrayed and hope that if you do let one of your most excellent adventures be used again that you either retain final signoff or have the 'once bitten twice shy' mentality to disown the whole thing. Personally I know at some point a remake will be made and this time it will do your book justice.With affection still....

Just

2009-01-13T17:32:00.003Z

It seems fitting that after a rather long hiatus during January that the first post of the New Year should concern two of our favourite things. Cheese. And Monopoly.

We were rather pleased to see that a new version of Monopoly has been submitted to Hasbro where cheese remains at the forefront of the game. Cottage cheese rightly takes the worst property in the game while Stilton takes the position of best at Mayfair.

But here I suspect ends the joy. What of the Chance cards and Community Chest ? Have they also been redesigned with the same care.

We hope so. It seems only fitting that a player should be rewarded handsomely if he or indeed she had won a cheese making competition.

2008-12-25T16:58:00.002Z

The Honest and Genuine fable No 1

The Skeptic and the Cynic:

Once upon a time, a skeptic and a cynic boarded a cruise ship; and as they left port, the opening-night Gala dinner was held. Afterwards, the skeptic took his brandy and cigar with him onto the deck, because he wanted check out the lifeboats.

He noted their position, capacity and fitness-for-purpose.

All of a sudden, he noticed, underneath the top of one of the lifeboats that there was light escaping from beneath the tarpaulin.

Underneath - in a fully inflated life jacket - was the cynic.

And that is the difference between a skeptic and aa cynic.

2008-12-08T21:33:00.003Z

Long, long ago, in an era far far away your genial hosts fulfilled a rather long held fancy - to be published in The Chap Magazine.

The problem was that the final feature was a savigly edited version and for many a month we thought the original was lost.

Until now.

Skimming through a hard drive we've just discovered the original which we very much hope you enjoy.

Mr Coleman’s TALES OF HONEST AND GENUINE SPORTING ENDEAVOUR: part one.
Sporting connoisseurs still speak in hushed tones of the tumultuous contest between noted duellist and gentleman adventurer, Enoch “Soames” Soames and Caswell Cornford, most notorious rake of late-Victorian and Edwardian England. It was the epoch-defining moment in that most gentlemanly of sports, Bar Billiards.

It was a battle between good and evil, self-improvement and self-abasement, their antipathy matched only by their adroitness and tailoring.

Relentless promotion of the feud by the mountebank, Cuthbert Le Fré, had raised the purse to an unimaginable ten guineas, with Soho’s Glasshouse Stores taproom erecting temporary galleries to accommodate the swell of spectators. Amongst the grotesque and sinister masses were Mr HG Wells - whose love of the game was well-known - and his close companions, Mr Bernard Shaw and Mr Elgar. Wells, indeed, cited the sport as one played in his vision of Utopia, entirely as a result of the nervous excitement this particular match gave him.

Their contrasting style of play was mirrored by their preparations. Mr. Soames partaking of many renowned tonics and elixirs, followed by a pioneering treatment to cleanse the body’s humours with Swiss oxygen (pictured, with Mr Le Fré);

Mr. Cornford’s provisions consisting of several large gamebirds, copious quantities of laudanum and a meticulous peregrination of local bordellos.

Once the pre-match exchange of Coats of Arms had taken place and the two gentlemen had posed for the commemorative Toby Jugs fired in their honour, the formalities drew to a close.

The two men barely contained their mutual repugnance at the opening handshake: an audible bark escaped Mr Soames as he identified Mr Cornford’s improperly turned shirt cuff.

Soon Mr Soames was in amongst the balls and scoring freely, prompting the other chap to nervously twirl his silver-topped cane – a gift from the young Nawab of Pataudi. And so the pattern was set: Soames studiously building breaks with sensible shot-making and little fuss; Cornford, cocksure, swaggering, audacious, by turns frustrated and then devastating.

“That is what the crowd pay to see!” sniped Mr Cornford, after potting an outrageous triple-cushion red, gesturing contemptuously at the lithographs placed around the arena celebrating Mr Soames’ endorsement of various pomades, nostrums and Mr Gillette’s new-fangled safety razor.

Mr Soames was ever the gentleman, never failing to doff his hat to his opponent in recognition of the role Lady Luck often plays in the sinking of one’s balls.

As the match meandered sedately to a climax, there was an interruption when several burly factotums had to be called to remove the excitable Mr Wells. His attempts at ‘thought transference’ had caused one of the gin drinking slatterns in the cheap seats to burst into a rendition of the music hall standard, ‘Ballyhooly’ – whose key of E Major was entirely inappropriate for a contest of such import.

With the final ball sunk and victory consummated for ‘Soames’ Soames, the two gladiators relinquished their steely grips on their cues, loosened their cravats and retired to their respective gentleman’s clubs.

It was not the first pitched battle between the two men Shaw later described as “the panjandrum and the popinjay”, and it would not be the last.

2008-11-27T12:41:00.003Z

The iPint. Yes. That iPhone application that's been proudly sprayed across the creds of a certain ad agency as proof of their digital skills and fast paced ability to crack a simple idea that is spread by thousands.

Admit it - we've seen at least one plank in the pub using it - quaffing their imaginary lager to the delight of their equally hilarious chums.

And each time that H&G logged into the apps page - there it was - a constant reminder of what seemed to be a great, easy and of course free idea that users by their thousands downloaded much to the delight of Carling, the brand attached to the free Ap.

Except in a classic and frankly typical twist turns out the idea wasn't theirs. One of the team had seen it in America and decided to take the idea for their client.

Granted they offered to buy the licence from Hottrix (the actual creator), who politely declined as they were shifting plenty of units at $2.99 a pop.

So BMB thought, sod it, and stole the idea anyway. Allegedly of course.

Currently the latest state of play is that Hottrix are sueing for £7m for lost revenues and irrepparable damages.

Which brings me to this thought. If you blatently rip off someones elses idea and badge it as your own, then frankly, you deserve all you get.

2008-11-20T11:39:00.004Z

Hot off the press H&G are excited about winning a Campaign Media Award for the Halifax and Sun partnership. The idea ?

We managed to convince News International to create a completely new newspaper for us. For a year. With our own journalist.

Well done us !

2008-11-13T16:21:00.004Z

While one half of H&G is set in rant mode - and very good it was too - the other half of the dynamic duo has had a rather entertaining afternoon submerged in the land of records and 'bitchin beats'.

The tracks in question are for the up and coming Prodigy album 'Invaders Must Die'.

Look out festival land - some of these numbers are going to be huge live !

Hopefully look out for the anarchy that will hit the streets once the campaign goes live early next year.

Posters in flames ? You heard it here first.

2008-11-11T16:57:00.004Z

How advertising works: part one...

Short answer: nobody knows. Slightly longer answer: if I knew, I wouldn't be here - I'd be enjoying my soon-to-be-submerged island in the Maldives.

What I hope H&G are here to do is to explain why certain things work and certain things don't.

And hopefully to have some fun at the same time.

Take, as a perfect example, the Cadbury's Gorilla. (Can you feel it, coming in the air tonight?).

Clearly, this was a critical success: winning all sorts of awards...and of course, increasing sales by a giant 9% year-on-year. Our favourite award was for our old agency which stood on stage and describe the TV strategy was about buying 'big spots'. Sorry, 'talkabout TV', whatever that hackney phrase might suggest !

Against a year where Cadbury's didn't advertise. Erm. Ah, well.... nope. No excuse. It didn't really work. Didn't. Work. At All. But industry people liked it.

So of course, it must reproduced with a further Magnum Opus. Which you are currently seeing as a bunch of airport trucks racing. To a theme tune of - currently - Bon Jovi.

Gentlemen: one cannot polish a turd. A sow's ear - or dog's puckering rectum - and this is just that.

Admit it: you don't know why anyone liked the Gorilla - and it didn't work then either - but you wish to recreate it, because the client wants "another one: just like that".

If you would like to know why it "worked" you know where we are.

JR

2008-11-04T23:13:00.003Z

11.34 Jack says "I remember studying in college John Major's election victory in '92 as a demonstartion of how market research - which had Labour MILES ahead - is inadequate as a predictor of human behviour. Major won, but the polls had him losing by 6-7%; but when asked, people would not admit they were Conservative...but they did - in privacy - vote that way.

Analogy to America? Well, who, to a pollster, would admit they were a racist?

2008-11-04T23:07:00.003Z

23:07 We've had some real issues over a flippant observation. McCain has a certain mannerism with his arms. Sort of like both arms with every gesture are being prodded up with two sticks. Kermit like. Think about it and let us know.

2008-11-04T23:07:00.002Z

2008-11-04T22:47:00.002Z

22:59 The Paxman debate now rages. They seem to be calling things already...madness...remember the 'hanging chads'

2008-11-04T22:38:00.002Z

10:41 It's difficult. Really difficult. How can we sit here eating hot dogs and munching Us related snacks (cheeseits are winning)

10:45 We have Ugly Naked Guy over the road from us. It's official. Plums out and visible to us all so great excitement has reached H&G towers. It may just be about the downy hair we can revoltingly see but could it be a predictor of the lightly afro'd potential leader of the free world ?

2008-11-04T22:33:00.002Z

10.37 Is that what Obama is about? The end of lying, the end of hypocrisy, the end of corruption? I would be very surprised if he is.

2008-11-04T22:14:00.003Z

22:18 First time the 'Wasilla' factor is mentioned. We await a Jackie Onasis style montage of expensively dressed Alaskan Vice President hopefull waving frantically while also speaking. Almost a patting of head while rubbing stomach that could win her the top spot in US politics. Sorry. Second spot. For the moment.

22:25 We've taken a break from the 'real' coverage to branch into The Daily Show. Which we feel is a) funnier and frankly b) more accurate. Go Stewart !

22.27 Watching yesterday's Today Show and noting today's Guardian: what happens to satire should MLK/Rosa Parks/JFK/Jesus win? Disappointment awaits us. Like New Year 2000, something landmark and noteworthy happened, but nothing will be different. For New Year 2000, we based an exultory party on the birthdate of a fairytale figure no more real than Santa Claus (and no less human-created). Is Obama so different?

Does the world change because a black man has a chance to control America?

Fuck I hope so.

2008-11-04T22:08:00.004Z

10.10 Dana Bash (CNN) should not be on TV. Or any visual medium. Anyone would think CNN was British judging their allowing ugly people like her on TV.

DISCLAIMER: H&G are in an emotionally heightened state and therefore judgemental today. You know, judgemental and intolerant, like Sarah Palin's God.

2008-11-04T22:06:00.002Z

10:06 Bill Schnieder, the Peter Snow of America, spells out the terribly basic rules of democracy. ie that people vote and that someone counts the votes. We fear that this kind of coverage spells a worryingly 'basic' approach to coverage. Will there be Dimblebyesque insight or will it be hours of 'my fellow Americans'. We suspect the latter......

2008-11-04T22:00:00.003Z

And today, and in deference to the joy of our last minute by minute blog on sport..tonight...it's the election night !

Stay tuned political fans and more soon....

And we ask one question to start things off.

10:01 Could Wolf Blitzer have been successful if he had not been christened Wolf Blitzer ?

2008-10-29T13:54:00.002Z

Having landed safe and sound from Moscow there are several things that one half of H&G discovered.

Firstly, that the much vaunted Russian economy seemed to have collapsed while I was there.

The other that the other half of H&G has messed around with the 'Profile' section in order to use an amended version of this blog during an interview. For those wondering why Jack suddenly had control fear not.

The monkeys have only briefly been let out of the asylum.

So, a quick thanks to a sibling for this latest piece of breaking news.

We've always been partial to Bacon. Indeed in earlier posts you'll note that there are specific rules about the consumption of Bacon and Cheese in combination. But we hadn't noticed this site before.

H&G wish we had the time to actually write a full time blog on Bacon...but as there are so many things to critique or worship in this life we are greatful that there are others who can.

2008-10-09T21:28:00.002+01:00

So. The final post for the great adventure. It's a short one really and that's because it's trying to sum up the frankly unsummariseable.

Russia is for want of the word.

Random.

More than the outback of Australia.

More than northern Laos.

And definitely more than most of India.

It's a place of utter confusion, suprise, mystery, incomphrehension, rudeness, charm and frankly the bizarre. But it's also wonderful and deeply historic with all that's been this adventure.

I've spent 2 weeks in one of Stalins great edifices to the world. One of his absolute 2 fingers to the West, and yet it's also strangely humbling to be in a place of historical significance, guarded by 3 old ladies and their two pet dogs.

I won't miss the inability to communicate even the most basic of desires...but everything else....

Well..what a roller coaster.

You shoud visit.

2008-10-08T15:43:00.005+01:00

Customs, as HSBC have often told us, vary around the world. And I've just had this brought home to me by the fact that one of my colleagues has finally whispered in my ear that my habit of whisting has caused something of a stir in the office.

In Russia to whistle indoors is considered deeply bad form because it means that the person causing the offense is about to loose all their money. It also spreads the bad luck around.

So, suitable chargrined I thought it worth checking up on any other customs that I may have inadvertidely infringed.

It seems that I've upset several restaurant owners by not handing over my coat to the attendant. This dates back to the days when diners would come in from the cold covered in ice and snow. To drape onces riding cloak over the back of ones chair would therefore fill the establishment with a slushy mess - hardly the done thing.

When giving flowers one should only give odd numbers. Unless that person is dead. Pretty clear I think and not one that I've upset anyone yet with !

Before leaving the house for even a couple of days, all members should sit in silence and contemplate life for a moment.

Then finally, shaking hands while wearing gloves is utterly unacceptable - even if it's many degrees below zero. The only exception is if you are a person of such extreme power that you extend your hand in the intended 'shake this you insignificant insect'. there's a rather good story about glove wearing and indeed shaking between a former head of my former agency and someone else also rather senior within the same company.

I'll tell it to anyone who knows me - and it rewards every retelling !

2008-10-07T18:25:00.003+01:00

Another tale from Moscow, albeit short but hopefully rather sweet.

Traffic is a bit on an issue. In fact it's been known for a relatively simple journey to take 2 hours or more, if one strikes Lady Luck unawares.

So the great and the good of this fair city have a failsafe plan. Blue sirens for all important people.

Like a never ending episode of The Sweeney various unmarked cars go hurtling past, with large stick on siren resplendant and coiled black wire trailing back inside the vehicle.

'Must be an important politician I mused'.

Except it seems that with typical Russian attitude the occupants might not be quite so important.

It seems that local Russians, seeing in their eyes as something of an opportunity to get home for tea quicker, have been purchasing said blue sirens by the box-load.

So we're now in an intruiging situation where the local police, knowing of this blatent law breaking, are now periodically stopping supposedly important cars on the off chance that it's a miscreant.

I'd love to see the look on officer Vlad when he opens the door to see Mr Putin staring back !

2008-10-06T11:14:00.003+01:00

Leaves. Not the most dramatic of openings I will confess, however as Autumn hits Moscow it's all proving quite dramatic for the locals. You see Moscow is blest with two things of relevance to this musing. Many trees and a desire for civic neatness.

Which means that with a State eager to ensure high employment there's no reason to have such pesky things littering the pavements or parks. So everywhere you look there are people equipped with rather feeble brooms frantically sweeping and tidying the never ending application of Autumns golden, leafy blanket.

It's a mission that can never be completed and one due to play out for the next few weeks, puzzling me no end.

The question I keep asking myself is this. 'Why not switch from daily to weekly sweeping ?'.

At least that way I, and al l the other children in Russia, can enjoy kicking our feet through them before they're tidied up !

2008-10-05T15:00:00.002+01:00

Strolling through Victory Park, a place built in memory of the defeat of the Germans, I've been struck by the prevelance of flowers in Moscow.

While Amsterdam is famed for it's stalls of tulips I've never really seen the locals carrying them that much.

But in Moscow everyone seems to be clutching bouquets flowers. Men. Women. Young and Old. They're clealry wrapped as gifts for others but I thought what a great and unremarked custom. Whoever you are to bring flowers to the person you're visiting.

Makes me want a return to pipes and hats all over again.

2008-10-04T17:05:00.003+01:00

Todays entry concerns weddings. Customs vary across the world. For many it's a special day celebrated with friends. For others it's an elopement to the Little Chapel of Love in Vegas. But for Moscovites things follow a rather different routine.

Weddings, you see, happen very early in the day in Moscow. Why is that I here you ask ?

Well that's so that they can hare around the city in stretch limos all day desperately trying to ensure that they have their photo taken in front of every key monument in the city.

Fountain with ponies. Check

Tomb of unknow soldier. Check

Bridge looking over vast Peter the Great statue. Check

Lenins tomb. Check

The list goes on - but what makes this giant photo race all the more amusing is the quantity of brides jostling for position for the next photo.

My host and I spent a happy half an hour just standing watching the bridal carnage as it swept past...groom looking suitably hangdog and the rest of the bridal party desperately trying to keep up.

Perhaps made all the funnier if you then set these monuments within sea of general tourists that are already there.

It made for quite a sight !

2008-10-03T10:29:00.004+01:00

Last night I braved my local highstreet intent, not on staying in, but braving my lack of language and indeed alphabetical knowledge to get something other than a European meal.

I wanted meat Russian style and I knew it !

But here was the catch. After 30 minutes of walking around and beseiged by a fearsome array of illuminated and flashing signs I was unable to discern what lay behind them. Windows are often either blacked out or papered over and there are no handy menus to pick from. Was it a 24 hour techno club, a strip bar or a fine restaurant ?

So I grasped the nettle with a bar that I could at least see served beer (and that is an international word wherever one travels!). It opened out to become a full Metro theme bar - the Soviet underground recreated before me.

I spied an escalator going down, dodged the guard standing at the top by wagging a single finger and pointing at my chest - which I hope conveyed the sense of 'there's only me, I won't take up much space' to be greeted by the most wonderful scene.

Carriages, signs, stained glass, chocolate brown couches and booths. Heaven !

Then came the true challenge. Beer was delivered alongside a menu.

No pictures.
All writing in cyrillic.

Ooops.

I reached into my bag for the guidebook I had been lent confidently turning to the section at the back containing simple words and translations. This section, the one guaranteed part of every guidebook wasn't there. Nothing. So I plucked the only Russian food I could think of out of the air and with a grin repeated 'Stroganoff' until my waitress understood.

Was it worth it ?

It was magnificent.

Next week watch this space. I'm going to try for dessert as well !

2008-10-02T15:11:00.004+01:00

Todays musing concerns TGI, that bastion, or not of consumer research.

Much amusement has always focused around the relative bluntness of 'lifestyle statements' which ask respondents on the level to which they agree to a long and sometimes amusing list of questions about their attitudes to the world around them.

Corkers from the UK questionaire include the likes of ;

'real men drink beer', 'I like to drive fast' and 'a womans place is in the home'

But it's been fascinating looking through the equivalent Russian survey which has a rather eyeopening list which include 'sometimes I think of things which it is better not to mention to others', 'it is unwise to express your opinion', 'Russia should ban imported products' and my favourite....'I am proud that I have both masculine and feminine characteristics'.

My point is not to chuckle..but to say this. You can do a lot worse when learning about a culture of a nation by reading the kind of questions that are asked in surveys.

Fascinating stuff.

2008-10-01T15:57:00.003+01:00

Rain has finally made it to Moscow and it changes the view rather a lot from my concrete building. Somehow everyones shoulders are just that little bit more hunched and a the bright lights of packed (but extraordinarily expensive) clubs and dining places seem a little more tempting.

However tonight I'm hoping to leave with enough time to contentedly purchase a bottle of wine and something European and then the wonders of Slingbox will be unfolded.

Slingbox for those that don't know is a rather nifty gizmo that plugs into your Sky+ back in blighty and then connects remotely to a foreign land via the interweb. So much so technology advance. But what I love is that feeling that when you press a button something happens a long way away as the method of communication are the infra red sensors setup in front of the UK Sky box.

Pressing a button in Moscow is actually more long distance remote than broadband...which reminds me of the first ever remote control VCR players.

My dad brought it home and proudly set it up. The only thing was it was pre infrared. So the 'remote' was actually a large, black, snaking cable designed mainly to trip up any tray carrying mother that ventured into the room.

And if you remember such a thing consider yourself dated to over 36 !

2008-09-30T14:28:00.003+01:00

Today the language challenge vs food capture starts. Our man from Moscow had been reduce to gesticulating wildly and pointing at various food sources in shops and delis in an effort to get fed.

After 45 minutes I had 'captured' 3 peaches and a packet of 6 rather tasty lemon muffins. It has to be said I'd also had to pass up on several stalls selling hot and good looking cheese and ham paninis but how to order.

The alphabet is different. The language barrier absolute. Only those items in reach of my finger tips could be obtained and never before had I imagined that I would be rendered as mute as a red faced Harry Enfield type holiday maker on a sunny beach holiday. Not even speaking slowly would conquer this divide.

So to the gap toothed and amused Russian lady who finally twigged what I wanted I offer my thanks !

So what of dinner I hear you ask ?

I'm working on the pronuciation for 'beer' as we speak. Hopefully this will suffice !

On another note I was woken by a loud explosion at 5am outside the window. I'm staying on the 12th floor so as you can imagine it was rather disturbing. In my sleepy haze flashes of Armageddon and urban warfare made my cower beneath my blanket.

Fortunately for this write it seems to have been a firework.

Why it was let off at 5am I shall never know.

But I live to write another entry.

'til then I bid you adieu.

2008-09-29T10:11:00.004+01:00

This week, H&G are on international duty. While one half languishes rather nicely in Vegas racking up his debts before his softball tournament the other is earning a brief crust in Moscow.

How very Credit Crunch avoiding of us both.

So today sees my attempt to understand and navigate the entire Russian media market in the space of a morning before the team start their planning work on Coke.

Things are very much the same as when I started in media. TV is starting to become fragmented but only just. The internet reaches only 25% of the population. And Cinema still doesn't get used because it's so expensive. With increasing wealth and general optimism about the future people have more time for entertainment and spending on themselves but that means more time commuting and less time with the family.

So much so different !!!!

The biggest challenges it seems are the trading ones still rather fond of big TV buys of coverage instead of planning to where the audiences are going or spending their quality time.

We shall see if by the time I leave the concept of word of mouth can even be introduced. At the time of writing that's a very alien concept !

2008-09-11T12:31:00.000+01:00

Much was made yesterday about the long awaited switch-on for the Large Hadron Collider.

But none of the commentary tickled us quite as much as the words of page 3 'stunna', Keeley.

Now we're all aware that the small text box is never written by the model herself the joby being given to a low level hack forced to churn out cheery assessments of the days news and turn them into into a haiku of believable model speak.

So hats off to whoever wrote yesterdays piece because it brought a wry smile to our lips.

'Keeley can't wait for boffins to turn on the Large Hadron Collider today. She said 'It's so exciting. The machine's main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the current theoretical picture of particle physics'

LOL !

2008-09-08T11:27:00.005+01:00

Dare we admit that time has flown rather fast of late. Turmoil has hit H&G towers of late, but with a location on the 10th floor this write is much improved !

And it's therefore with pleasure that we showcase our latest work for the Halifax and it's offshore banking services.

You see it's rather hard to target Expats because, well, they live everywhere. They're all rather different kinds of people. And they've all moved abroad for many reasons. Some for filthy lucre. Others to open that long dreamed about bar in the Costa Del Sol !

So instead of racing around in the internet chasing British Expats for their money, we created something for them instead that they wanted. An Expats newspaper. Fully staffed by journalists.

And written for us by The Sun.

Go to www.thesun.co.uk/expats

Enjoy !

2008-07-29T09:37:00.002+01:00

A rather nifty tool was brought to our attention this fair morning by a fellow blogger. Head to 'wordie' and you can enter either a series of words or a url, then play around with fonts, colours and layout.

A masterpiece such as this can be created.

2008-07-22T16:20:00.005+01:00

News has reached H&G of the latest viral work of contempt for Vauxhalls Insignia launch. We get the Men in Black take off but don't understand the following

Why doesn’t the car drive out of the alien spaceship hole ?
Why does it drop from the sky ?
Why are their women suddenly serenading us ?
And why is it targeted at holiday makers walking down the South Bank ?

£30,000 spent on talking to a group of people who probably don’t even have the Vauxhall brand, because it’s called Opal in Europe.

2008-07-14T10:15:00.005+01:00

Just had the latest edit of some recent work we did on Streetcrime using a tip top Txtual Healing artist, Paul Notzold, out and about in Shephards Bush. We asked passers by to tell us what they thought about Streetcrime.

They answered in their droves

2008-07-10T17:53:00.003+01:00

H&G have had a long long few weeks pitching on the beloved Channel 4 account. We await the news of the result with trepidation. However, something during the process has got us to thinking about a new, and of course, occasional series.

The Pitch Video.

The reason for this post - well, that would be the delight that we've found in watching one of our competitive agencies pitch group on Facebook. One which through their clearly poor digital expertise they forgot to make private. Yes dear reader. MEC has been supplying agency land with free mirth for the last few weeks with their 'amusing' Big Brother type videos proving that 'MECIS4Real'.

All I can say is.

Click here...to Enjoy.

2008-07-06T18:50:00.003+01:00

So, Wimbledon, fourth set, and this is what makes Britain great:

Federer takes the plastic off his replacement racket and the ball boy takes the plastic off him and puts in the bin. They have a bin - a standard, swing-opening, freestanding unit in Wimbledon branded colours - on Centre Court. To teach you good refuse disposal habits, I think.

Would you get that at any other final anywhere else in the world? I say no.

2008-06-20T11:36:00.003+01:00

As submitted to the Hard Sell column in the Guide section in the Saturday Guardian newspaper.

SOMERFIELD

There is a grand, venerable literary tradition known as "alternative history". Put simply, these novels are thought experiments defined by a high-concept 'what-if?' premise; what if Britain had beaten America in the War of Independence, what if Geoff Hurst's second goal hadn't crossed the line, and the daddy of them all:what if Hitler had won the War?

While Radio 4 have dabbled with the genre, it has been left to Somerfield to pioneer its use in TV commercials.

It's the year 2003 - as denoted by the slavish rendition of Busted haystack haircuts on the teenagers - and a typical Arian family are trouping around the downmarket suburban hellhole of Somerfield, and yet when the first impish scamp opens his charming stage school gob, a stream of estuary English burbles forth.

As the nightmarish proto-past unfolds, the viewer begins to look for subtle signs in the mise-en-scene, the better with which to clue us in on those little differences which the Reich regime has wrought. But no, there is no bratwurst aisle where the crisps used to be, no lederhosen-ed surly school leaver shop assistants, an certainly no sudden ruthless efficienct to the shopping experience.

It seems as though a benign dictatorship is in progress, where ice cream is half price and bog roll two-for-the-price-of-one. But in a twist worthy of M Night Shymalan, the horrible truth of the Fuhher's victorious legacy is revealed in the appaling non-joke ending: in just 50 years, they have expunged all traces of British humour.

2008-06-17T20:07:00.003+01:00

The first ever H&G TV diary begins here:

8.08 Italy v France...loser goes home...hopefully the winner does too.

8.09 Timmy Ribery carried off. I, for one, as a fan of the ugly footballer, am disappointed.

8.11 How many dodgy penalties and decisions do the Italians get in major tournaments? Oh, and here comes Jean-Alain Boumsong, who was such a success at Newcastle.

8.14 Misses his fourth chance of the game...fumbling monkey.

8.15 Five chances in the game.

8.15.1 Severed horses head arrives in Tonis bed.

8: 17 Fellow commentator comments 'Sidney Govou, if he signed for Cardiif City I'd be devasted' and 'I hate the Italians'. The commentary box is awash with optimism and fellow Euro love.

8:18 Mark Lawrenson uses most soulful, disappointed sigh to emphasise the words 'woefull, just unbelievable' as Motson witters on with another pointless '1970's' statistic.

8:23 Free kick. Motson unable to pronounce 'Bouffant' in any other accent than 'Boooooofont'. Lawrenson clicks his teeth unhappily at the dialect difference.

8:25 A slight diversion of conversation has resulted in the most excellent agreement. That we are pleased that we are the very few who believe that cheese is always better than chocolate. Instantly we are setting up the Facebook group 'cheese is way better than chocolate'. The link will follow soon.

8:41 To alleviate the nonsense being talked about by Hanson and that wee little chippy one from Aston Villa the group is created. 'Cheese is way better than chocolate'. Join us now.

8.49 the whole bbc studio is miserable. they've a lovely foreign jolly, spend all day playing golf, and look like they're playing Who-The-Fuck-Just-Farted?

9:01 The football is back. The goal from the Dutch gives the Italians a huge chance but Benzema is flailing around, a small child desperate for his poorly analogised toy.

9:02 Commentary team taking a quick break due to arrival of wet Brie and wild boar slices. There will be no pieces of chocolate cake (for obvious reasons) and cups of tea like the usual Cricket Brian Johnston team in this box.

9:12 We've decided to avoid the Italian goal so we can play poker. And eat more wild boar. Unprofessional but certainly pleasant. And agreeable.

9.12 Will just mentioned Portuguese holding midfielder, Deco. He's my vote for Most-Likely-to-be-a-Waiter-Who-Flirts-with-Your Mum-On-Holiday Award.

9:30 It's official. The Italians have got to the ref. A corner to the French. No. An innocuous challenge by Henry. Yellow card. Shame on them.

9:37 Question. Which Italian player if handed a banjo and asked to hit a cows arse would not be able to hit it ?

9:38 Answer. If you need to read that you haven't read our general thesis on 'Toni, wonderprat'

9:39 Oh god let it stop. The BBC crew have excelled themsleves in dour commentary. OK, we know the British suck. We're disappointed as well. But your sunning yourself in warm temperatures doing nowt but look a bit sad. Stop being Emo. Cheer the f*ck up !

2008-06-17T19:58:00.003+01:00

Here at H&G we've been a little tardy of late. Work and a few other commitments to the cause have left us a little short of time, but there's nothing like poor work to pull us back into the game.

However there's nothing even more like poor work that costs clients a fortune to really get our mouths foaming.

Reader, we present for your scrutiny, the latest National Insurance Savings ad.

3 months ago : After several failed tissue meetings, 'Agency' runs out of ideas

2 months ago : Late one night the bottom drawer of 'Celebrity' gets broken open.

Today : A Caruso like montage of clever Celebs expouds the joys of NIS.

Now don't get us wrong. We know people. And people sometimes like those nice men off the telly. They trust them a little more than offficial looking folk in white costs professing clinical trials. But we should credit them with the ability to spot phony, poorly scripted, bowel-slackeningly bad copy.

It's nothing short of the worst ever 'perfect day' take-off ever audaciously presented and then bought by any single client.

Good luck credit crunch.

2008-05-09T21:34:00.004+01:00

Excerpt number 53 from H&G's file marked: "Misplaced Outrage".

ITV have been fined 5 million quid. Apparently Robbie Williams would only present the "People's Choice award" at the 2005 British Comedy Awards if Antandec won, so producers announced them as winners even though Catherine Tate garnered the most votes.

The outrage is that the Great British Public ran up a £7.8 million phone bill voting on this, clearly with the highest percentage of these freespending culture-vultures believing that Catherine Tate is the funniest person in Britain.

What?

In these negative equity, 30,000 die-in-Burma, $122-a-barrel-oil-price times, people are spending that kind of money on some arbitrary, empty and meaningless phone poll?

That, my friends, is an outrage.

And check out the sentences highlighted in bold above.

And they did it to vote for Catherine Tate.

2008-05-08T13:10:00.001+01:00

Here at H&G our generosity knows no bounds so we've decided for a limited time to give away 100 free cases of Becks. Yes, that's right.

FREE BEER.

If you'd like to apply then click here to submit your name and email address and we'll get back to you soon !

2008-04-22T11:37:00.003+01:00

Sometimes it's important to raise the key things in the industry.

Sometimes it's more important to smile.

Thankyou Chuck Norris fans for this all time great one.

Our favourite 'Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you'.

Genius

2008-04-18T11:41:00.002+01:00

Campaign Magazine asked H&G to give their perspective on a key issue and the below article is an advance copy for our readers to peruse prior to the June publicatation date. We hope you enjoy.

PLANNING SANS FRONTIÈRES

The development of mankind can be measured by bursts of invention. Since the discovery of fire and Homo erectus learned the pleasure of his first barbeque, these fundamental occurrences have signalled great leaps in our ability to control and harness the world around us.

In similar, albeit less dramatic fashion, the microcosm of advertising can also be charted. Fixed boundaries that agencies work within, slowly moving outwards with each new media, creative or technology development.

The first major change came when TV audiences fragmented away from their annual date with Morecombe and Wise and planners slowly realised that 400 TVRs no longer constituted a targeted strategy. Equally when the Outdoor industry began to measure exposure based on eyeballs rather than traffic count, this new information allowed planners to avoid the barely visible sites secreted under dark railway arches in favour of more effective ones. The list goes on.

In short, planners adapted and improved their targeting. However, they did so on their own terms and, as change occurred infrequently, in their own time scale. The boundaries within which they had planned only moved in small increments, so their thinking only had to make small adaptations as well. Posters became lenticular but remained the same size. TV spots made gestures towards interactivity but were still, first and foremost, TV spots.

Yet with Digital things are moving at such a speed, and across so many different aspects, that many planners are struggling to keep abreast. Social Networks, personalisation, convergence, user generated content and peer to peer sharing are just a flavour of the new digital reality. A dazzling list of new unchartered areas with no rate card or easy menu from which to buy or well trodden format within which to illustrate your creative genius.

For planners, as creatures of habit, boundaries are comfortable and offer something safe to plan within. Campaigns can be referenced historically and results quantified by case studies. So ask a planner to move outside their comfort zone and more often than not things fall apart.

But where some find this uncomfortable I believe we should embrace this liberalisation of thinking. It reminds me of the Playstation launch tv script which said to play was to live ‘a life of exhilaration, of missed heartbeats, to command armies and conquered worlds’. In digital we can do this. We can literally create new worlds, we can mobilise a nation, we can build free services for our audiences and we can give them a platform and a voice.

Best of all. They get to decide. Great ideas are shared. Bad ideas ignored.

If you work in an agency, doesn’t that send a shiver of excitement down your spine? If you are a client don’t you want your team to be inspired by an explosion of opportunity rather than fearful of it?

Enough of the theory. The key areas for me are as follows. The first is with audience research. In traditional offline media thinking the world of audiences is built on research anchored, or more accurately, weighed down, by the UK base from which its research is driven. In addition some of it may be months or years old. Every single offline media strategy is therefore based on historic UK consumption.

Why should we settle for this ? How can we aim to influence audiences habits when all we’ve done is look backwards ? How can we justify creating future facing plans based entirely on what people used to do?

In Digital we don’t need to be constrained by these boundaries. Digital behaviours ebb and flow across the world and trends in Asia and the US filter through the ether to affect the UK.
Understand this flow of audience behaviour, of global trends becoming local, and we can glimpse insights that traditional media with their historic research can only hope to achieve.

If planners must open their eyes to this new era, then we are also obliged to help media owners and clients do the same. Our ideas are given credence and stature by the partnerships that we form, the sites or digital spaces that have a particular audience, or by an editorial perspective that we find appealing for our clients messages. So we must inspire if we are to create.

Of course, some agencies will be happy to continue in the status quo, cheerfully trading within the boundaries in the same old ways. But if you want to create something new you need to work closely with both sales and editorial and you have to pitch your idea to them as if they were clients not servants.

Finally, for clients we need to educate as well and inspire. They have a raft of agencies all vying for the lead voice. Yet no-one has a divine right or deserves a monopoly. Not the traditional creative agency. Not the media agency with the big poster budgets. And not the digital agency. Finally, the Comms agency which demands to be ringmaster in a hazy hypnotists blur of neutrality has no worse or better claim to lead the debate. Just because you have no financial bias toward using any specific media doesn’t offset the simple truth that you may not have had a decent idea to begin with. So why should you be first to speak?

Crucially, then, the boundaries of who should lead the debate must also be broken down. Today it’s about great ideas leading the debate rather than a pre-ordained hierarchy of knowledge. The agency that comes up with the idea the client loves leads things. It’s that simple.

I accept that with this comes potential for conflict but we must recognise that if we think we know the answer then we shouldn’t be afraid to stand up and say it. This the only way we can look each other in the eye and know we did our job. Great work driving great results for our clients.

That’s the opportunity we now have. An age of digital enlightenment where the critical mass of audience volume, the growing understanding of marketeers and the talent within the digital world have converged. Agencies that have the ability to harness these facets using a global perspective and a team of people with interests and expertise beyond traditional disciplines will flourish. These are the ones best paced to plan without boundaries.

The question is, are you up for the challenge?

2008-04-01T13:00:00.003+01:00

Ah....the japes of April Fools Day. Humourous stories embedded in Tabloid tales that trick the gullible and silly.

Yet it falls to the BBC to create something that puts a smile on your face. Not quite Perfect Day, but still pretty sweet none the less.

2008-03-28T15:30:00.003Z

Not wanting this blog to merely become the fickle analysis of Celebrities who look like celebrities it has to be said that admittedly, there's been a glut of late.

So to ensure that a realism is applied to our heady mirth one final entry for the month. Perhaps admittedly a more lateral suggestion.

Orlando Bloom and a plank of wood. What say you ?

2008-03-27T11:40:00.002Z

Lookalike # 4,132: Franck Ribery and Timmy.

Sometimes, being Honest and Genuine hurts us a little.

2008-03-23T15:56:00.002Z

Time for a guest post now, from Mrs. H&G, one of our earthmothers.

It's a proper hate rant:

"Right, Zac Fucking Goldsmith. Scythe him offat thehip ? at the knees. Why?

What does he know about hardship?"

2008-03-04T10:39:00.002Z

'Beauty'. Not a word often coupled with 'Internet'. Occassionally however something seriously pretty arrives on our desk - and the new Adobe Creative Suite is testament to that.

Click on the link, slide the red bar all the way to the right and then turn up your speakers for a sumptous playing card related extravaganza.

2008-03-03T09:35:00.003Z

Lookalike number 3:

Of course there are differences, one is trying to take over the world with evil schemes, purely for his own greedy, venal ends, while attempting to vanquish plucky Brits along the way....oh, hang on.

2008-02-19T11:59:00.002Z

Simply do the voice in your head:

Dracula family they are....hmmm...the Nazi force is strong with Price Philip....like crocodile his wife is....

2008-02-08T16:28:00.000Z

Cool stuff sometimes just happens.

So we bring you 'Sleeveface' (def : one or more persons obscuring or augmenting any part of their body or bodies with record sleeve(s) causing an illusion).

It's superb - next week we'll bring you the H&G results

2008-01-18T09:33:00.000Z

Sometimes, dear readers, this august organ addresses the more pressing matters in life. At others a more laconical eyebrow is raised at the curios that surround us. This entry is just one of those.

It was with great delight that we recently saw a feature about the deception of squirrels. Apparently 1 in 5 of all 'nut burials' are actually faked. Indeed, when rumbled at their wicked wheeze they are actually then prone to increase their fakery. Holes are dug. Leaves carefully spread over the top. Yet not a nut is to be found. All in an attempt to hide the real stash.

So why were we so tickled you may ask ?

Because we've found someone comparable to our much loved John Malkovich. Finally the mantle of the 'guilty of plenty of acting' award can be passed to a more deserving hero.

2008-01-11T10:30:00.000Z

A philosophical debate has long meandered around the question 'if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?'.

And with advertising awards season open for another year we at H&G pose this question. If you make a 90" cut of your tv ad, convince a minute satellite station to run it at 4am and then claim that this was a campaign. Can you in all concience claim this as great work ?

We have one job to do. To create great work which enlightens, amuses or informs the people we hope will buy our clients products. So stop creating things just for your own vanity and start making ads that do the job the client pays you to do.

2008-01-07T22:09:00.001Z

In 2004 we had Supersize me. But as of tonight we have a new hero. Mr Hugh Fearnley Wittingstall and his campaign to rid the supermarket shelves of £2.50 intensively farmed chickens.

Now H&G doesn't put its shoulder behind any petition but as our profile picture may show we are rather fond of good food, indeed the afore mentioned chef first introduced us to the 12 bird stuff so his words carry good sooth.

The campaign starts tonight on Channel 4 and here is the first of the many facts this rather good programme covered. The average number of birds per metre squared is 17.

We repeat 17.

So if you have but one resolution this year - if you can afford not to don't buy anothe £2.50 chicken. To show how you feel go to his website and sign up. As of 15 minutes into the programme there have been 22,435 signups. We'll update you tomorrow on the latest figures.

Next week, a return to more light hearted matters.

2007-12-21T12:41:00.000Z

It's time to down tools and head off to a week of 7,000 calorie a day consumption. H&G would like to wish our readers a festive, merry and downright stylish Christmas. A review of the highs and lows of 2007 will be coming soon, fuelled by a noggin or two of booze.

2007-12-11T09:58:00.000Z

Just occassionaly we at H&G are rendered so speechless by the poverty of creative thought in our industry that we just have to let the work speak for itself.

Click here to view the latest ad for the RSPCA is by some distance the most execrable idealess example of our art. Hats off. It makes the A.A. look like Van Gough.

In the words of our least favourite creative agency heads 'Where's the idea' ?

2007-11-26T10:15:00.000Z

Now the man legend that is Charlie Brooker has long been applauded by H&G for his extra special turn of phrase.

Describing Mark Bannerman in the latest ITV dung heap of I'm A Celebrity he imagines the likely orgasm face of the ex-Eastender as 'at the point of climax he merely looks confused , gawping at the yop spurting from his fun-pole in cowed amazement'.

So to celebrate his best parts we give you 'The Top 10 Cocks in Advertising'.

Enjoy

2007-11-20T12:21:00.000Z

Still in the frame as The Spare's sort of ex-girlfriend her fame allows her to be classed within our new feature of celebrities who look like other celebrities. And frankly someone had to finally pluck up the courage - not since Letitia Dean has the Miss Piggy mantle been so deserved

2007-11-16T10:19:00.000Z

Consumers.

A word that has long irritated H&G. Marketeers, advertisers, commentators and even (and especially) Radio 5 djs. They're all it.

'Consumers are in control '

'Consumers are empowered'

ENOUGH !

They are people. They are not mute animals waiting to be fed the next commercial message. They make choices about which brands to buy or not and just to be very clear, they are not eagerly waiting for your next tedious advertising spot.

It doesn't make you clever, it doesn't show you have your finger on the pulse of the nation. It says absolutely nothing about the intellect of the person who uses that word.

So join us in this plea. Stop calling them consumers.

2007-10-31T09:25:00.000Z

"You can't trust anyone these days" is the kind of ill-informed blanket value-judgement H&G was born to dispel. The fact is, you can trust some people these days, but mostly you can't. here's a handy guide to people you should be very wary of:

1. Male vegetarians
2. Men who don't like James Bond films.
3. Men with little change purses.
4. Men who wear their sunglasses on the top of their heads.
5. Anyone who lets their dog lick their face / kiss them etc.

More handy People Not To Trust soon...

2007-10-31T09:21:00.000Z

H&G really like look-a-likes. Here's the first in a sure to be long series.

Yes, it's a macho type who rogers famous Czech supermodels. And Tomas Rosicky from Arsenal.

2007-10-07T19:22:00.000+01:00

H&G are currently taking some time out for much deserved rest and recuperation in far flung Peru (MACCHU PICCHU!) for this extra special foreign posting we felt it necessary to raise awareness of this countries fine parade based economy.

At every turn there's a broccaded group of army reservists tooting trumpets and waving flags. The national dress also appears to have a disturbing rape fantasy look to it. And at last viewing out of our bar window there was a group of people tied to the roof of a Ford transit van sitting in a large inflatable boat.

We've also discovered that llamas are not just the finest animals on the planet but Welsh spitting beasts. Think about it.

So Viva Chavez and time to get back to the poker table. Current score England 3, local US workers 0

2007-09-27T16:21:00.000+01:00

Rare it is that viral campaigns catch the eye of H&G. But something cropped up in our inbox today that made us take note. Not only is the rendering sweet to behold but the question on our lips is...what's behind that revolving door ?

http://www.theotherview.co.uk/

Answers please on a postcard

2007-09-20T11:13:00.000+01:00

Missing children rarely present amusing copy and in light of a certain blonde girl last seen somewhere in Portugal H&G would like to tread lightly.

However news of Andrew 'Human Calculator' Gosden has forced a smile through our clenched moral teeth. It seems that rather than run away from Doncaster for the bright lights of Londons Glittering West End, Andrew has instead found another way to broaden his horizons.

'He could be heading for several areas such as HMS Belfast, the Science Museum, the Natural History Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum' said PC Mel Clarke (while stiffling a chortle) of Doncaster Police.

We can only applaud that it seems todays youth have finally found that art it more interesting than the clipjoints of Soho.

2007-09-02T18:20:00.000+01:00

Rather than churn out observations about minor physical injuries, the food we've eaten or Big Brother here at H&G towers we prefer to wait for the magical before we write. Today readers I bring you a priceless gift.

On the 10th anniversary of her untimely death, it rather fittingly concerns the Peoples Princess. Or more precisely the theatrical masterpiece that has been created about her.

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you 'Charles and Diana ; The Musical'.

I'm not kidding - it exists and is currently touring Germany.

The blurb reads as follows ''Princess Diana, the musical' culminates at the time of her divorce, but ends at the time of her funeral. As the musical progresses it portrays the evolution of the young Diana into the intelligent, mature woman who, becomes arguably the most famous, (certainly one of the most famous), women in the world. Respectful of the Royal Family and genuinely sympathetic to all concerned it bubbles over with emotion and vitality.'

I urge you to click through immediately, scroll down and have a listen. Track 5 is our favourite. The Queen has a lovely duet with Charles.

2007-07-16T22:02:00.000+01:00

A few posts back my erstwhile partner at H&G coined a new phrase in the lexicon of career prospects. 'Doing a Caruso', for any new readers, is that glorious moment when a celebritys over inflated ego convinces them that they are better than the slimy vehicle they rose from.

Well, we have another one for you. I give you Tim Lovejoy.

Now Tim was part of one of the greatest Saturday morning couples in history. Tarrant and James on Tiswas, Schofield and Greene on Going Live and finally Lovejoy and Chamberlein on Soccer AM. Not a Saturday morning went past that he didn't bring a ray of sunshine to our couch bound viewing - bouncebackability, graaaavy, even the Geordie biscuits...all had charm and flair.

But not for our Tim. He's going to better things, pink shirt firmly packed in his kit bag.

Tim...you've blown it.

(Tim can now be seen presenting 'Something for the weekend', a cookery programme on Sunday mornings)

2007-07-02T22:51:00.000+01:00

The Hard Sell, the regular Guardian Guide piece, has long been the primo place for good old fashioned advertising creative bashing. But it's been rather off form lately. Cutting satire has become a tad forced and H&G are more than a little saddened by this.

So we have great hopes that they should have noticed tonights airing of the new AA work. The lasting legacy of Claire Salmon as their Marketing Director was to ditch the wondeful '4th Emergency Service' for...wait for it 'Just AAsk'. Right. Hmmm. Okay then.

She was promptly given the boot.

But this is even better. Having just about got them back on track with a group of simpering accolytes clad in cheap suits (the AAteam - how do they come up with such genius?), desperately trying to please their smug, silver haired leader the current agency seems to have panicked. Clearly their latest ad tracking has shown that consumers think that the AA is cold, smug, and as patronising as their creative work. So they've opted for the cuddly approach.

I don't really want to spoil it...Suffics to say, the bottom drawer from every single Coke brief in the 80's has just been cleaned out. Singing AA members prance around in their yellow clothing in a way that Halifax Howard himself would reject as faux-naif obseqiousness. Selected patrol men skip and leap around despensing joy to one and all via the medium of a Maria Carey cover version - and the closing caption on one twinkly eyed miscreant as he gurns inanely into the camera is so vomit inducing it's more International Rescue than anything else. Utterly, bowel- emptyingly awful.

A Cannes Lion clearly beckons.

2007-06-19T15:50:00.000+01:00

Aha, and as of last night, it appears that the producers are attempting to paint Jonathon "not cool like Tyler" Durden - see rant below - as a dirty old man. Yes Mr. PHD you are clearly a paedo perv, no better than the unhuman scum who took away Poor Maddy. Still not regretting taking on the machine, Mr. Media? Still think you can glide through the experience into some sort of caring-sharing-Alan Sugar- for-the-Noughties new career? Hmmm? Well do ya?

We are gripped and we are giddy at H&G.

2007-06-18T22:32:00.000+01:00

Right, that's it. After 5 long weeks where one portion of H&G has been lounging on his backside keeping clear from work or email I've had enough. Jonathon 'Bloody' Durden has done it. One of our own couldn't resist it. He's romped his way onto Big Brother via mates at Endemol / secret Spanish cabal meeting of TV execs and I cannot stand it. Not due to jealousy but because the 'so called strategic thinker' (thankyou The Sun for that quote) seems determined to act like a shorter and rounder version of Donal Macyintire. He seem determined to blow the big brother house wide open with his blazing insight about the kinds of strategies that each of the housemates is using to succeed. He's trying to show how good he is. How he can spot a consumer insight. How deft his though process is. And it's utterly 'Bloody' priceless. The moment where he confronts the twins to suggest that they are brilliant at marketing themselves is magic. They don't understand what he's talking about. They really really don't understand what he's talking about.Noone in the house does and this is the bit I'm going to love. At some point he's going to realise that they really are that vacuous. That for entertainment and for interest he's going to be reduced to reading toothpaste packaging just to stave off the madness.

But better than that, it's a torture even more wonderful because the only way that he can stave off madness is by becoming one of them. Bit by bit he's turning into a grinning apelike fool. Except he's too old. And he's not cool. It's like watching the ugly fat kid trying to be mates with everyone else. He keeps appearing puppylike, looking hopeful that the others will be nice to him. Thank god the other by product of this event, his Guardian Media column, is going to lack a certain amount of bite coupled as it is with the image of him singing YMCA dressed as the indian.

Jonathon: in your effort to be down with the kids, everyone will hear you scream.

(as I write he's just proudly admitted he's got £6m in the bank...he'll be beaten to death in his sleep I guarantee)

2007-05-25T14:47:00.000+01:00

We have just become aware of the "lolcats" phenomenon. We are animal lovers at H&G - no, not in that way - and so we post our favourite, most chappish lolcat here.

More lolcats can be found here.

2007-05-15T10:03:00.000+01:00

H&G have been most taken lately with the Perfect Night In series on Channel 4 and thought we could do our own (better) version. And so, Dear Readers, a departure from the usual H&G format. We hope you enjoy our nostalgic ramblings.

Jack: OK, so today's category will be Whimsical Comedy Drama. And of course the sine qua non of the genre is Lovejoy. I could never love a woman, or be friends with a bloke, who didn't love Lovejoy: you can tell what series it is by his mullet development, but I think the mullet was a metaphor for something bigger, a memento mori perhaps, it certainly got chopped off in the end and I think we can all sympathise with that.

Now, Will, let's put aside the fact that Eric is a founder member of the All-Time Pantheon of Sidekicks - which he most certainly is - and move to the issue which divides all eminent professors of Lovejology: which was the better Era - nay, Epoch - that of Lady Jane or that of Charlotte Cavendish?

Will: I never really cared for either of the posh women. So to decide the best years I'm going on other factors.

If the mullet-ometer is a sign of a successful character then the early years should have it, with Lovejoys hair so luxuriant that it wafted gently in the breeze. His dress sense however didn't evolve and that holds him back. Permanently clad in blue jean/white t-shirt/leather jacket (for 9 long years!) he looked like a perma-tanned Grease cast member who'd got left behind by the travelling musical roadshow.

That means for me the sidekicks can't just be ignored in my judgement ..and while Tink did a stirling job his performance was solid rather than influential. So really it's the ever gurning, Rentaghost inspired Eric 'Claypole' Catchpole that sways my view.

Eric in real life was clearly an out of work actor until Lovejoy occurred. Unused to regular payment he seems to have enjoyed success through the medium of booze - so as each week passed his cider bloomed features and large ruddy nose increased. By the finale he'd become more panto dame than anything else.

So I give it the latter years Jack.

Now a question for you.

Which TV actor (bar Eric) descended into either a drug or drink binge - which was clearly evident within the show ?

My vote goes to Michael 'Boon' Elphick who during his years of filming clearly became so friendly with Mr Jack Daniels that they had to kill him of Eastenders as he was doing the same to himself. For a fond look just look at this altar to the Urban Cowboy.

Jack: Well, I think I'll re-interpret the question a little. Let's call it the Most Ignominius Self-Inflicted Career Swan Dive question. However, I don't think drink and drugs can be involved as there are too many famous examples (Elvis, Hendrix, Joplin) ditto cars (McQueen, Dean, Princess Di). Something that involves stupidity, naivety or ignorance I think is best.

So, honorable mention to David Caruso, who didn't realise that:

a: he was about the only megafamous proper 'Stay Out of the Sun' Ginger at the time (there is a very good reason for this) and

b: NYPD Blue makes stars out of anyone who ever appears in it (Sipowicz for crying out loud!) and

c: he cannot act. The man is a plank of wood. He'd make someone a great cricket bat one day, but Olivier he ain't.

He would run away the category; I mean to the extent that it would be called "Doing a Caruso". He'd be a story Hollywood parents tell to frighten their kids into behaving. But somehow he lands a job on another can't-fail TV franchise, where the only skill required of him is the portentous removal of his sunglasses. Really I could go on all day about this. Really gets my adrenaline going.

Hmm...other honourable mentions Zoe out of EastEnders who went "to conquer Hollywood" not realising that she was only considered pretty because the rest of the cast were so ugly; Richard Blackwood and Craig David who also went to conquer America.

UPDATE: ZOE is now the Bionic Woman. We will watch like Stadler and Waldorf from the sidelines.

Here's my criteria: they have to have had one very lucky success, which went completely to their head, then they jack in the best thing that ever happened to their career for some completely beyond-their-talent, not-unless-Hell-freezes-over goal. On the way, they have to turn down some great project which they never should have got near, then they diappear while failing miserably, learn a life lesson the hard way, then come crawling back, swallowing their pride like Linda Lovelace in her prime, and prepared to take any work at all to try to rebuild their shattered profile. If they return to their alma mater and get badly treated by the producers, the rest of the cast and especially the writers - who fuck around with the character just to piss off the Swan Diver - that, that, is true ignominy.

Ladies and Gentleman: I give you Adam Rickitt.

Phew. I am now officially exhausted. You know what I need. Some relaxing, formulaic, Sunday night TV. What's your favourite Sunday night TV, Will?

2007-05-08T09:36:00.000+01:00

Alas, alack, the merrymaking of fair Mays bank holiday is 'oer and sadness and melancholy fills the air.

But what is this perchance ? A tale of chivalry, an epic battle, an ode ?

Reader enjoy - The Onions finest hour

2007-05-01T13:28:00.000+01:00

Through sheer happenstance on our extensive travels around the interweb superhighway, we have managed to encounter the work of Mr. Adam Buxton. He is also known as the Adam out of "Adam and Joe." If you were to click onto the hyper link below you will see a comedy clip from the very top drawer. Worth watching a number of times and fully endorsed with the H&G seal of approval.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvul3DC4l4E

Readers who encounter "content" of a similar quality are very much welcome to post it to us in the comments section.

2007-04-25T09:39:00.000+01:00

Having accidentally caught the end of Dr Who last Saturday which told the tale of a Dalek experiment to create a new human hybrid, H&G were rather surprised to see that when the body casing opened and the new limbed creature emerged it was dressed in spats and a full 3 piece chalk stripe suit.

Setting to one side the issue of whether their tailor had correctly recommended the right cloth (understated of course in order to not compete with the tentacles) we were more intrigued to ask how the tailor had managed a second fitting in the first place. Or even a first for that matter.

It then poses other questions.

Do all Daleks possess a pair of shoes and a pile of prechosen fabric inside their armoured casing(neatly tucked one presumes underneath the exterminator ray gun) ?

Did they have a range of fabrics to choose from and a good selection of swatches (one hopes that tweed was represented) ?

What happens if the weather proves inclement and they need a double worsted fabric instead of the gay and colourful linen that first caught their eye ?

Better still, as the hybrid Daleks emerge to the brighter new world, each stepping out for the first time in their new suits, each majestic and terrifying, which poor miscreant ruined it all by picking the 'Ben Elton' silver 80s fabric ?

Fashion is mightier than the stair after all.

2007-04-18T10:15:00.000+01:00

Hmmm. Yes. Well. H&G are still debating the veracity of the bacon martini web site (see comment below). We're extremely pleased with the wordplay of "The Dickens", that much is certain.

In fact, the site raises several deeper philosophical quandaries: can one have too much of a good thing? Could cheese be added to the martini for further enhancement? Do the 3 rules of cookery apply also to beverages?

Dear readers, we are floundering in a soup of pontification; perhaps you can provide some answers?

2007-04-12T09:31:00.000+01:00

A recent reader writes regarding the previous post 'but why have that when you could have a www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com - Much more up an English chap's street'.

We thank him or indeed her for their contribution and fully applaud any company dedicated to the celebration of the chaise longue. We are concerned however that tea should be the beverage of choice. Surely a straight up martinii, very dry, stirred with a twist would be a more preferable accompanyment to a pipe of light shag ?

2007-04-11T16:17:00.000+01:00

Ah, if only H&G lived in America. Then we could join the Bacon Of The Month club.

2007-04-03T14:44:00.000+01:00

Although not quite list-making in the the anger that it causes, a growing ire has been slowly building about one topic (albeit it for the more commuting half of H&G).

The subject - women who save their full makeup routine for the train journey to work.

Now, we used to be of the happy illusion that we either dated women with fantastic skin or that they were so excellent at applying their makeup it didn't really matter anyway. Either way - it remained a private affair. These harridan just don't realise that this public application exposes the masquerade for what it is - a wretched attempt to cover up burst blood vessels and greying sallow skin.

2007-03-28T12:21:00.000+01:00

Work and health pressures have restricted the H&G output of late, however we return with the must play game of 2007. Formerly known as 'Druglord' the glories of the interweb revolution have allowed an update to allow realtime and free gaming. Choose your character, grow your drugs or hoes and then get down to the business of winning. Drugrunners.net is the Friday game of crime where this time it does pay. Currently posing as Timothy Claypole (a corporate businessman) and James Harries (an assassin) H&G have found much pleasure in wiping the floor with the collection of psuedo Pacino wannabees. You'll never forget buying your first gold tooth on the long road to prestige heaven !

2007-02-22T14:44:00.000Z

H&G are rarely in awe of celebrities. Indeed as readers will note, most are considered the talentless spawn of Russel Brands least funny jokes, of which there are many.....
However in a rare exception to this rule we bring you the king of childhood science , Mr Johnny Ball.

In an age where the Planataaaarium has been replaced by Starworld (see earlier blog) nothing pleased us more than having a chat with the man who brought us 'Think of a number'. A show where the set was as creaky as Brian Ferrys hip joints but the joy of learning was always at the forefront.

Bravo sir.

2007-02-07T10:40:00.000Z

While the chattering classes have been in near hysteria about the details of infamous NAPA incident (Needed to Avoid Pee Accident), where an enraged Liza Nowak drove 800 miles wearing an adult nappy rather than loose a few precious seconds to confront a love rival, we at H&G take a rather more benevolent view.

After all, any lady who elects to don a rakish wig and moustache for outer wear should be applauded rather than castigated - whatever the trouser exhalations beneath such attire.

2007-02-01T17:51:00.000Z

Stop press : My Furry Alarm Clock hits now at 221,000 as of 1st February 17:49 GMT

2007-01-25T14:21:00.000Z

The List

We're not sure when, or who we were with, but somebody once asked H&G's opinion of a certain celebrity during an otherwise convivial conversation. We don't even remember which celebrity it was (it's odds-on, however, that that person is mentioned below) and it doesn't matter; the reaction was the key issue, a catharsis if you will, and that reaction was a teeth-gritted, guttural growl: "Just give me ten minutes in a stuck lift with him...".

Friends, it tapped a latent homicidal belligerence which lurks untapped within us all. There are certain people out there - we'll concentrate on the famous here, as H&G don't know your immediate social circle - who need brutal, merciless execution. And friends, don't get all high-and-mighty about this, look within yourselves, and you will find a List lurks within you too. Please note: we were forced early on to disregard the stuck lift for certain murders as they required equipment which one does not find to hand in a lift.

A few tips on using the List and forming your own List:

1. Deciding on the Top Ten to feature within your List is nigh-on impossible. It's H&G ambition to set up a public voting system, either on this site or on another, where we can elevate and relegate those putrid specimens whom we all would extinguish, given even a quarter of a chance. If you know how we do this, please please please tell H&G in the comments section.

2. Deciding on the order of your Top Ten is similarly difficult. Yes, we really, really need a voting system.

3. The manner of death should suggest itself naturally, if you truly feel psychopathic hatred for the celebrity in question. These ideas will spring fully-formed to the mind and in graphic detail. You will feel warm inside and smiley on the outside at the visual imagery.

4. Do not be afraid of revealing your List: almost all social occasions are appropiate, and often the more awkward the situation, the better ice-breaker it is. As you will note, as you read H&G's List, everyone has their own List and are just waiting for the opportunity to share it. Alcohol does help. For example, The List is not recommended for first dates, should be used with caution on second dates, but is highly recommended for third dates, where the assocation between sex and death becomes extemely powerful.

Without any further ado, and not in any order:

Justin Lee Collins
Utterly talentless - the least funny comedian ever encountered who thinks his reminiscences on Space Hoppers and Spangles are insightful - and seems to think his West Country Wurzel accent and matching facial hair give him a free pass to be both ubiquitous and spirit-crushingly banal. A personification of the "I'm-wacky-me" bloke at a party who thinks he' s the most entertaining thing that ever happened, but is as pleasant to be around as a staple in the eyeball.

Method of Death: he will be crushed beneath an Industrial Press in the manner of the first Terminator. Except the press will move at near glacial speed, say two millimetres per day, so that it crushes that bumpkin whine out of his body as it turns his bones slowly to puree.

James Nesbitt
It's that bloody cheeky-chappie, twinkly-eyed, ho-ho-shillaylee-I'm Irish schtick that he does. No: you are not loveable, James; you are not sweet and vulnerable and charming; you are a one-trick pony whose trick was barely tolerable the first time (Cold Feet) and grown exponentially more tedious and irritating since. You, James, are to versatile character acting what George W. Bush is to particle physics.

Method of Death: Victorian iron railway spike to his giant forehead. Let's freeze that oh-I've-kissed-the-Blarney-stone look on his face for all eternity.

Vernon Kaye
I'll let one of H&G's heroes, Charlie Brooker, sum this one up:
"Vernon Kay is a one-man walking blight-on-our-culture, a dog-haired toby jug, a self-satisfied banality engine, a git, a twit, a twat and an oaf. He shouldn't be on television - he should be sitting on a country stile wearing a peasant's smock and chewing on a hayseed, some time during the Dark Ages and preferably at the height of the Black Death".
Charlie, it was your zenith.

Method of Death: Chased with a chainsaw and sliced up in stages.

Helen Hunt
You know how they say that you get the face you deserve when you reach forty? Her pinched, grim visage is living proof, friends. That uptight, nasal mewl of a voice, the posture that defaults to confrontational, hands-on-hips berating, the scowling, growling, frowning forehead. Everything about it - oh she is an it, friends - is pinched. Pinched like your rapidly winking rectum when you're in the car trying to hold in an attack of food poisoning.

Method of Death: One you can actually do in the lift! Should you get the chance, friends: a bare-hands beating. Nothing more satisfying than the crunch and squelch of a well clenched fist into yielding flesh and bone.

Russell Brand
Regular friends of the blog will know this pathetic specimen has previously featured. Such an elevated self-perception, so divorced from the cold, grey reality of the misery it causes to general humanity. He makes Niyazov - the recently deceased Turkmenistani despot - look like Jesus in one of his most modest and altruistic moods.

Method of Death: Well, it's a bit obvious, but if it feels good, do it: Brand gets his throat cut with his tongue pulled through the hole in the manner of "Columbian necktie". It mimics those scarfs he ties round his neck, you see.

Jeremy Clarkson
No need for a heartfelt, impassioned diatribe here. The man is just a 24 carat wanker. If you don't wholeheartedly agree, then you are too. This is not up for discussion.

Method of Death: Repeatedly buggered by numerous gay rugby teams. In front of his little Top Gear pals. Then we give him a few days in solitary confinement to think about it. Then we tell him his ordeal is over, the healing can begin and he may return to his family. Once outside on the street, he is run over by a speeding Citroen 2CV.

That's all for now, friends, but stay tuned because this list is dynamic and we'd like your suggestions...

2007-01-23T12:00:00.000Z

A quick update on the My Furry Alarm Clock count on google:

as of noon GMT 23rd January the count is up to 12,800. Catch the fever and spread the word!

2007-01-11T15:04:00.000Z

Advertising is a subject H&G known a little bit about. So it is with great pleasure we salute some of the finest copy known to man in the latest IAMS cat food TV ad. Yes, folks, it really does end with the line: "I can't get up in the morning without my furry alarm clock." This is in reference to a cat, ladies and gentlemen.

Already the ad has a cult - that is not a misprint - following on the interweb, with a search for the phrase yielding 6,310 hits on google at 15.14pm GMT today.

Honourable mention goes to Kandoo training nappy/pants whose "You are the Lord of the Loo" gets 400 odd hits. But really, Mr. and Mrs. client, are you seriously signing this stuff off? Can't you picture your creative agency chuckling behind your back?

2006-12-18T11:27:00.000Z

Time flies when the corporate whip cracks. Indeed both sides of H&G have been forced (often by candlelight) to work long hours for our current masters, which has stilted our usual output.

So as a tour de force and a healthy return to one of our favourite subjects we bring you the.....bacon cooking alarm clock.

Constructed from a gutted Wal-Mart alarm clock, 2 rather spunky 100-watt halogen lamps and a healthy love of one of gods greatest foods we can only imagine the wonderful rousing that takes place each morning.

Our only minor concern is the obvious and clear design flaw - there's nowhere to add the cheese. WP

2006-11-10T12:53:00.000Z

We have sent a man to the moon, taught monkeys how to use typewriters and even found a way to put cheese in the crust of pizzas (go Pizza Hut...) but when it comes to voice recognition software truly we live in the dark ages. Which is why it puzzles H&G that Odeon cinemas, who rely on ticket sales by phone for 50% of their revenue , have such a desperate system.

If you've even been subjected to the charmless computer voice who interprets the world 'Guildford' with the reply 'I think you are looking for the Odeon Leamington Spa...is that correct?' then you'll know what we mean.

Even more surprising is that the company that makes the software is proud to be named. Voice recognition software by Telephonetics. A company whose name is cleverer than its service.

2006-10-27T11:44:00.000+01:00

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Take charity collections for hospitals.
Once Londoners would smile and genuflect money into bright yellow buckets during Rag Week - that time when gurning cross dressing male nurses would sell 'hilarious' joke magazines to unsuspecting commuters.
For once however Great Ormond Street has proved the future can be better than the past.
Gone are the men in drag and instead a giant burlesque swing has been erected at Liverpool Street, where a blonde corseted lady in fishnets sits on a velvet cushion. Money is raised by the donation of a shiny gold pound whereupon said chap may push the lady for a moment or two.
Not quite the Foppatorium, but certainly a good stride towards chappist Utopia.

2006-10-01T14:43:00.000+01:00

In todays hectic and stressful world it's hard for modern man to know what to do. Should he be the caring family man or the cut-throat careerist ? At times such as these it's difficult to know how to behave so H&G are considering opening a place of repose and tranquility where a chap can be truly himself.

You will be greeted at the door with a soft velvet smoking jacket and ushered inside to recline on one of several chaises longue. Pipes of opium can be smoked while members recline with a slim book of verse. Called 'The Foppatorium' we think it would be a great success. Comments or a suggested locale welcome. WP

2006-09-20T12:07:00.000+01:00

H&G enjoyed great success at the recent M&M Awards which doffed a hat to the best of international media planning. We scooped two first prize awards for recent work on Aviva and made it to the shortlist for campaign of the year. Pipes of the finest shag were packed brim full and silver topped canes twirled with even more vim and vigour than usual. Well done us. WP

2006-09-20T11:30:00.000+01:00

One day, H&G will work out how to index our items into proper subject categories, and one of those will be 'food'. But that day is not today. Or tomorrow. Probably.
Anyway, the latest installment in our food series not only obeys the Three Rules Of Cookery (see below) but also proposes that there may be a Fourth Rule. That Rule would be "Could it have a doughnut around it?". Yes, faithful readers, H&G bring you the "Donut Bacon Cheeseburger"...

2006-09-19T12:25:00.000+01:00

As regular readers will know, H&G constantly creates new things; last Friday was no exception. An evening's drinking was enlivened by the creation of brand new cocktail: The Yorkshire Pudding. This sweet libation is intended to mimic the appearance of the classic foodstuff: gravy, roasted batter and a just a tinge of red for its rare roast beef sine qua non accompaniment.
To make your own: get a shot glass, nearly fill with Kahlua, top with Bailey's and add a tiny dash of cherry brandy.
H&G are VERY keen for this to catch on: try one today, order loudly, tell your friends!